


Closure

by armored_alchemist



Series: Agape [2]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Blood, Ed has his moment of clarity, Elricest, Forgiveness, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm literally just listing shit, Idolization, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jealousy, Love, M/M, Maes Hughes is a doctor/psychiatrist, Mental Breakdown, Prosthetics, Sacrifice, Sibling Incest, babysitter, beauty in unusual places, checkers is kind of a metaphor, royed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 08:48:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13027491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/armored_alchemist/pseuds/armored_alchemist
Summary: Steady Damage's sexier baby brother.[One shot based on RoyEdIsMyAesthetic's Obsession.]





	Closure

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Obsession](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7408870) by [RoyEdIsMyAesthetic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyEdIsMyAesthetic/pseuds/RoyEdIsMyAesthetic). 



how could I love someone so much...and in the same breath hate them?

I only wanted him to talk, but he wouldn't talk. I cried and cried and cried until my tear ducts ran dry and my blood run cold.

How could someone be so kind...and in the same stroke cruel?

Why?

Why did you hurt me, Alphonse?

Baby brother?

Or don't you remember what you were before a monster bloomed in you?

When did you stop calling me big brother? When did you stop worshipping me? I stop being, your idol? 

When you took the first step.

And what is the first step? Is it the beginning, or the end...

.......

Oh, no no no no. Not the beginning. 

"I'll... I'll rephrase. Try starting from the beginning."

I licked my lips and began.

"Well, it..."

But you wouldn't understand how complicated this is. How love and hate are really the same anyhow, how someone can be cruel and in the same stroke kind.

So... fuck you!

I'll give you the good parts, that's what you want isn't it? Isn't it?! Wanna hear how fucking sick I am! Let's gather round, hear the sick boy ramble on about his sick fantasies!

I gave a small chuckle, rocking back and forth so slightly Hughes must not have noticed, reining in my crazy.

I went still. 

"After I cut out my brother's tongue, I slit his throat. I thought it would be quiet. Immediate. And in theory, it is. Severing a trachea below the larynx stops the screaming, alright - the screaming. It also severs the carotid artery in your neck, so blood doesn't reach the brain and give it the oxygen it needs. You'd think," I smiled sardonically, "such a powerful and important thing like the brain could hold its breath for just a little while. And it can, it can, but what also happens is the heart..."

I paused, narrowing my eyes in thought, as van Hessler entered the door for the first time.

"The heart... It's out of control. It doesn't know..when..to stop. Or perhaps it does but doesn't want to. And so it continues to work, even in your dying moments. Continues to pump, like arms, as you break into a sprint away from all your problems. It continues pumping as it's been doing since the very beginning, squirting blood warm with life from the artery in your neck until there isn't anything left to pump. 

"It continues to work, and it struggles as you gasp for breath through  your severed wind pipe, and you gargle blood, a loud gasping, a choking, a dry drowning, a-"

My voice lifts as I realize something. 

I like the journey leading up to the act. It makes the destination almost...insignificant in the end. On this excursion, why be cruel when you can be kind?

"What do you think I'll do to you, Alphonse?

You're cruel to be kind.

"Hmm? What's that? Can't hear you...Cat got your tongue?" Ed said playfully, as that of a flirting woman. He started laughing, and it was at first genuine, until a hint of something hidden seeped its way into his laughter, until it was no longer jubilance but bitter anger. 

Thus bad begins and worse remains behind.

Hughes stared at me, utterly perplexed but willing to be an ear.

My eyes glazed over in epiphany. 

"It was all very...beautiful."

And it was. Everything was. Al's face, from the day he took the first step to the evening he choked in agony. My arm. Roy's onyx eyes, Al's bitter jealousy. The way we fought. Secrets and secrets revealed. Downfall coated in buckets of blood. Insanity. Clarity. A breach of judgement. Closure. 

"Oh, Hughes..." I gasped shakily, sharply. I whimpered, awestruck at the beauty which overwhelmed me like a small boy before a tsunami.

"It was beautiful! Beautiful! Beautif-" I choked on my own spit.

And with no warning at all I burst out in tears. Sobbed in lament. Rocking back and forth, I think I let out everything I'd ever had bottled up. My wails, so loud, filled the entire room, leaving no space for anything else. My eyes squinted so shut it was almost as painful as the agony clawing away at my insides.

Hughes' gentle but firm arms were the only thing holding me together. It made sense, that he'd assume I'd run headfirst out a window to meet cold concrete if he didn't. But.. There wasn't danger. I wasn't going anywhere. 

I was staying right here. Not running from my problems, not now. No - I couldn't. I didn't want to. I wanted to hurt. I wanted to cry like a little boy. I wanted to let it out, finally. Everything! No more beating around the bush. No more hinting at things done and done to me. No more playing checkers, no more playing fucking pretend. 

I never saw beauty. 

How could someone be so kind...and in the same stroke cruel?

How could you hurt me, Alphonse?

Once? No.

"Check-ers...Playing ch-ch-checkers.."  Like broken english, my confession was disjointed.

"Yes?" The psychologist he was, Hughes probed me, knowing I was on the verge of something more important than Roy van Hessler.

I never saw beauty. I saw escape.

How could someone be so cruel and in the same thrust kind?

"He....h-he -" 

I hiccupped, then took a breath so large it lifted my entire body, much like the lifting of body off mattress at the disconnection of a kiss.

"Ohh....he did things..." Shudders wracked my body. My face contorted into such pain I'm sure Hughes must have felt at least a small pang of it himself in the form of sympathy. "Oh, god, he d-did things to me, doctor."

Once? No.

Hughes nodded. "Yes, yes he did, Edward. I'm glad you un-"

"UNDERSTAND?!" 

It came out as a shriek even I didn't know I was capable of. I grabbed his white coat in his hands and twisted it like a pair of sensitive nipples, bringing him face to face with me. My voice dropped so low..

"Not Roy. Not Roy."

My babysitter's eyes widened as he processed, or tried to, what I was saying. "What - What are you saying, Edward?" 

Oh, but he already knew or his voice wouldn't be so apprehensive. See, now he was the one running. And they wonder why I built a pretend world.

My lip trembled. "I like the way..." 

I shook my head. Wrong.

Try starting from the beginning.

Oh, no no no...please, not the beginning. I can't handle the beginning... Please, I can't.

Or don't you remember what he was before...before... And I realised something else.

"He always was a monster, always, always, always.

"I've been lying to myself." 

As much as i clung to Hughes, he clung to me for dear life - scared, too. But scared of the unknown. I remember when I was scared of the unknown. I nestled up close and snuggled against his broad chest, comforting him like I'd comforted Roy. It was all I knew how to do. 

Love. 

There are four types.

Eros: Semblance of beauty. Sexual passion. Of course, that's for granted.

Storge: unconditional love for family. God, yes.

You'd think you're god. Are you god, Ed?

"I'm not..." I began slowly, replying to my thoughts.

Philia: platonic love for friends and likewise. 

"Not what, Edward?" Hughes asked in a soft voice.

And... Agape. Selfless sacrifice for the goodwill of others.

And because it made you happy, I let you win every single time.

"God...but he's certainly mine."

A pause. Then, "Who?"

When did you stop calling me big brother? When did you stop worshipping me? I stop being, your idol? 

When you took the first step.

When will it end? When did it begin?

When he took the first step.

"I like the way Roy made me feel. He held me, much like I'm holding you now, Hughes." I spoke with perfect clarity, nearly drained of emotion. "I felt safe. He gave me the sense of security I'd never had. He held me close and... I knew nothing would happen to me."

I've been lying to myself.

Did I ever love...Roy? Him? Or his protection?

Hughes patted my back like he'd seen van Hessler do. "Go on."

"I never saw beauty. I saw an escape. He was a light at the end of a dark tunnel that I'd previously seen no escape from."

"What happened before he came? What was he protecting you from?"

"Checkers," popped out of my mouth before I could stop myself. But I didn't want to stop myself. I trusted Maes. Maes would not hurt me, yes?

The bronze-haired boy arched his back and sighed contentedly, having found his release.

The other boy, however, the one with the golden eyes? A different story altogether. Wet crimson trickled onto his bare skin, but it wasn't his blood. His mouth hung open in horror and the whites of his eyes contrasted the room lit only by soft moonlight from an unobscured window.

The first boy slowly slid himself off the boy below him, moaning lewdly at the feeling of his brother exiting him. His small body glistened with a sheen of sweat that would be more expected on two loveswept teenagers.

The other boy, however, the one who hadn't come, stared at his nine-year-old brother - who, like a spoiled child, had taken what he wanted when it was denied him. 

"B-b-" he couldn't even use the word once so familiar. It seemed inappropriate.

"Big brother?" Alphonse said, though it tasted foreign on his tongue. His eyes that of an innocent doe. "You..you're not mad, are you?" He shook his head, frowning contritely. "I don't know what I'd do if you were mad at me..."

He leaned over Edward's naked frame laid spreadeagle on a sheetless bed, his face inches from his older brother's face. Ed tried in vain to shy away from him. 

"Could you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

His lips found their way to Ed's cheek and he kissed it sweetly. Then they moved fluidly over his jawline, strong and defined even at so young. Alphonse inhaled deeply, almost emitting a soft moan as his lips ghosted over then skin of the boy's soft, sweet neck, and he parted his moist lips and opened his mouth slightly so he could tug and nibble on the boy's ear lobe.

Al's voice deepened subtly, so his next words came across as sultry and smooth like honey. "Oh Edward, I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if you didn't."

I lifted my head and looked at Hughes, his face twisted into the very picture of pain and sympathy and sorrow. 

Maybe because I'd been mimicking the voices of my flashback. And..some of the actions too. Poor Hughes, on the receiving end, having to hear me speak that horror in his ear. But he needed to know. I need closure.

I was now not touching him at all, having backed away to give him space. The man had a heart of gold. He must've been disgusted at me.

If I tried to touch you again, brother...would you run away? Would you fight?

"Why did you hurt me, Alphonse?" For Edward could not use that word either. It wasn't appropriate, not now.

When did you stop calling me big brother? When did you stop worshipping me? I stop being, your idol? When you took the first step.

"Come on, do you forgive me, Ed?" Roy asked.

"Do you forgive me, brother?" Hughes asked, voice dead flat and devoid of emotion.

"I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you didn't."

I love you Al. I love you.

Selfless sexual sacrifice for the goodwill of family.

A moment passed before my emotions gave way and tugged me forward, causing me to throw myself into his open arms, all of their open arms. I allowed myself to be enveloped in a warm, human embrace, to have my tears wiped from my face. To have all grief and fear and sorrow and anger whisked away in an instant, replaced by love. Real... love.

Of course.

"Of course I forgive you."


End file.
